Photo by SHVETS production on Pexels.com
We live in a world where we either witness or get engaged in blame and complain at all times. If we are in any problem, we are always on the lookout for blaming others and start complaining but that can hardly solve any issues. If we are sad, we blame the weather, people, environment, circumstances etc. If we fail, we blame the conditions or conditionings, immediate environment, lack of resources, lack of experience etc. If we have relationship issues, we blame our parents, partners, family members, friends, society etc. There is always someone who can be blamed and we can complain about the person. The pandemic definitely had a negative impact on all of us and that further increased the blame and complaint cycle. Today, I would like to discuss that no matter what the circumstances, blame and complain is not an option and why we must stop and how.
We all complain at some or the other point in our lives and we never realise that complaining can be extremely damaging for our brain and it may limit our abilities and hamper our progress in the future. In the pandemic, we complained even more as we had reasons to but we must pause for a while and think if we are getting benefits from it or we are unknowingly putting ourselves in an unfavourable position. It seems quite “normal” to complain but what we do not realise is that by complaining we are programming ourselves for failure. This may sound very surprising but chronic complaining can actually be bad for you.
When we complain, we are spending time on discussing the problem and not the solution and that way we are not only wasting our time but also precious mental energy. Instead we could focus on solutions and work towards correcting whatever is wrong. We may not realise that we can spend years complaining and mostly we only realise that when we either reach a certain age or an unfortunate incident takes place but we should not need such drastic measures to change a habit. We must remember that complaining is a form of negative thinking and anything that we do repeatedly becomes habit and then forms a pattern as it forms a neural pathway and by repeating it again you are then more likely to complain! Research shows that the habit of complaining shrinks the hippocampus in the brain which can be highly damaging as the hippocampus plays a role in learning and memory and if it gets affected, it can result in a variety of neurological and psychiatric disorders.
Often times, we feel that by “venting” out we will feel light and that is true in some cases if it is done for limited period of time but if one gets in the habit of complaining, the person is living in the trauma again and again and that is more damaging than the incident that the person must have faced just once. Sometimes the original incident does not cause as much damage as the repeatedly living the trauma causes and that can have a severe impact on the mind, body and soul. If we discuss the incident to analyse, find a solution, to get insight, to get guidance on how to overcome or avoid in the future; such discussion can still be beneficial but if we are just complaining to get sympathy then it won’t be beneficial in the long run. If done just once, it may still be acceptable but one has to be mindful not to make it a habit. One must realise that the mind cannot differentiate between real and unreal and hence we get emotional when we watch a sad movie or get disturbed when we see a violent movie on the TV. Similarly, when we complain and remember the incident, we are re-living the incident in our head over and over again and that can be quite detrimental.
We all have endured some degree of trauma in our lives. Many people hold resentment towards someone in their lives. If they suffer childhood trauma, they hold resentment towards their parents or authority figure in their lives or if they have had a bad marriage, often people blame other people or complain about their spouse and not realise that everyone goes through certain degree of pain in their lives and one must make efforts to get out of the pain and take personal responsibility. Everyone tries their level best to be a good parent or be a good spouse but everyone has a limitation. When we complain, we forget the logic and our mind gets stuck in a cycle which can prevent us from reaching a resolution. We can use our time to come to a solution or to complain. The choice is always ours.
Another by-product of complaining is blame. Once we start complaining immediately we are shifting to blame and by doing that we are shifting the responsibility on other person/people who may not be even aware that we are expecting something from them and they may not be interested in helping us. Then what are our options? Keep blaming and staying stuck in the cycle of self-destruction? We have to ask ourselves honest and strong questions in order to get our mind out of the negative cycle and take responsibility to change the cycle.
Now let’s jump straight into solutions.
Gratitude. I have already shared my experience with practicing gratitude and how it has changed my life for the better. Research shows gratitude can change brain chemistry and can help in better mental health and aid in overall quality of life. It is important to practice it every day until it becomes a habit and the mind slowly gets accustomed to see the positive side in any circumstance.
Contemplate. When faced with negativity, honest contemplation can be extremely helpful. We can start by being honest with our emotions and then take an honest look at our situation and ask several questions to analyse whether we are overreacting or the problem is a genuine one. In any case, bring back the attention to the solution and not to the problem.
Take responsibility. Decide that you would take responsibility for your actions and situations so that you are not tempted to blame and complain. We all have to take responsibility. We all know that great power comes with great responsibility; the other way around is also true. Taking personal responsibility increases our inner power so ask yourself would you like to be weak and vulnerable by blaming and complaining or be powerful to change your destiny by taking responsibility.
Be positive. Often blaming and complaining is due to lack of optimism or lack of trust. Believe that good things happen and you will soon see that life gets filled with positive changes but before that one must believe in it. One must believe in the magic for the magic to take place. Begin your day with powerful positive thoughts and affirmations and check your mind every time you feel negative and gently shift the negative thoughts into powerful positive thoughts. It may take time but slowly things will change for the better.
We all go through tough times and in those tough times; we learn invaluable life lessons and evolve as a person. Sometimes, negative events can be catalysts for tremendous personal growth hence one must learn to see the light at the end of the tunnel and believe in positive outcomes and trust that you will be always supported and everything happens for the good and you will see your life with a new mindset and new perspective and once you change your perception, the reality start to change but for that any negativity must leave the mind and one need to take responsibility, be responsible and commit to personal development and growth and the reality will change slowly but definitely.
Disclaimer: Please note that this article is written based on my personal observation and experience and the main aim of writing this article is to provide insight and hence it must be used as guidelines only and not to be taken as professional advice. If you suffer from any ailment, you must consult medical professional and seek professional advice and take care of yourself.
Parul Rana 