I absolutely adore baby girls and like all mums I also had the dream of having a doll and like all other girls I also wanted to dress my doll up and play with her all the time. We all know that girls are mum’s best friend, worst critic (which makes the mum to change herself for better) and honest advisor that there ever can be but a few women like me could never have a girl due to various reasons and often that makes us think how would our life be if we had a girl child. Would it be more beautiful, exciting and fun or would it be more chaotic, stressful or worrying. I will never know.
As a girl born in the era where gender discrimination was far greater than today’s world, sometimes I think perhaps it was good that I did not have a daughter. In my generation, almost all the women at some point or the other faced gender discrimination and were treated unfairly by people, society, relatives and the worst of them all by their own family as they often saw the girls as nothing but a slave or expected them to be the “dutiful obedient being” who has not sense of self or ambitions or identity. As a child, often I wondered why girls were being treated in such a manner. Why bullying from brothers or male cousins were treated as a “normal” bhai behen ka pyar and why mothers and aunties failed to see that the young male members were treating the girls as inferior and expected the girls to accept the disrespect and that there was nothing wrong in that. Why was it always the boys who would pull the hair of their sisters and the sisters had to just tolerate? Why were boys encouraged to study more and girls were told to learn the household chores because anyway that’s what she was supposed to do, right? Why girls had to make all the sacrifices and were not allowed to have any opinion and if she voiced her opinion, she was often labelled as asanskari/mannerless/not well brought up/disrespectful/characterless by other people. Why did women have no rights over property or any assets while the men enjoyed paternal wealth? This was also the case in wealthy families. I could not understand anything. Why does society not see that the way they are treating their wives, tomorrow someone is going to treat their own daughters in the same way and then it would be too late for anyone to make any changes? Why did nobody realise that they were being unfair and unjust towards their own child? These questions remained unanswered and it got buried deep in my mind. When I grew up I realised that the issue is far more deep rooted than I could have imagined and that it needed tremendous amounts of work and that perhaps there was not much awareness or willingness to change.
Furthermore, when the “me too” movement took off, I wondered if there was any woman in the world who would not have faced some degree of abuse/harassment/discrimination and that made me even more uncomfortable and I was unable to trust the world. We live in a world where women are treated and seen as objects and where women themselves are not able to discern that they are being conditioned according to the desire of other people and that is not beneficial for them and in fact their own confidence is dependent on other people’s perception and is not in line with their true nature and essence. Unfortunately, women themselves are indulged in activities, mindset and attitude that keep them in the vicious cycle. It was so heartbreaking to see this condition of women and their deteriorating wellbeing.
With all this confusion, brainstorming, witnessing heartaches of other women in my life and struggling to understand the world and dealing with my own sense of self, I wonder if I could have been a good mother to my own girl child. Without all these questions answered and explained to me whether I would have given my child the right upbringing or not will always be questionable. As a parent we can only teach our children what we learn and if we have not learnt ourselves, we will definitely fail as a parent so I doubt I could have been a better mother to a daughter. I personally believe that whatever happens happens for good. It was good that I did not have a daughter. I would have brought up a confused and lost daughter and that would have been so unfair to that soul. At least as a mother of boys, I can teach my boys to be respectful to girls, understand the girls, uplift them mentally and emotionally and treat them with equality and care. I can do a better job as a mother of boys as I don’t have to teach them what I don’t know myself or I did not know myself in my younger days.
Thankfully, I had parents who were well aware of the discrimination and right from the childhood, I received good education, good care and love from them especially from my mother who was herself an advocate for not only gender equality but also women empowerment. Still, many times, societal pressure outweighed the awareness. With time, I began noticing that it is the women who have to take the initiative and make the changes within herself and become more confident, independent and powerful in order to make substantial changes in her own families and only then will she be able to initiate the changes in the society. I understood that you cannot fight anyone as they are blinded by their own perception and no amount of fight, explanation or logic can change other people who do not want to change. I understood that I can only change my own thoughts and work on making my family more respectful towards women and change perception within my own family. I also understood that if I change my family, I am changing my own world and that can itself be a powerful change as I am contributing to the smallest unit of society; the family. I understood that if I change my family’s mindset I may be able to make a small but significant change in society.
A quote from Johann Wolfgang von Goethe “Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.” is most appropriate and perhaps the ideal solution to any situation in life. This is especially relevant in this situation. Let me sweep my own mind first and the mind of my own family members and then I can definitely help create a change. This may be a very small change but it is the effective consistent step that can definitely aid to the changes that we are aiming for. Lao Tzu said, “The journey of thousand miles begins with one step.” I am only focusing on that one step and continue to take several steps one by one to become a better woman, a better mother and a better human being who treats others with respect, care and compassion. I can only work on myself and be consistent and I am committed to do it. This may take time but as long as I continue my journey I will make a significant change and that may make me a better grandmother to perhaps my future generations of women and then no one will have to worry about the safety and wellbeing of a girl child. I really hope this happens and pray that many others also follow the suit. Are you with me?
Parul Rana 