Parenting

Eight Things I Did Differently As A Parent

Parenting is a tough job. Anyone who is a parent knows this very well. Children don’t come with instruction manual. We learn as we raise them each day. Some rules work, some don’t and we keep guessing whether we did the right thing or not. At no point, we can think we have learnt enough as a parent. It is a learning process throughout our life as a parent. Here are some things that I did as a parent which worked well for me.

1. Allowed them to make mistakes and learn from it. Unlike the previous generations where we were not allowed to make mistakes, I took a different turn and allowed my children to make mistakes and instead of making them feel guilt, I let them learn their own lessons. It did take a lot of patience and courage to implement but the results were amazing. I let them fail in their tasks, let them deal with breakup from friends; let them deal with difficult situations. I just allowed it to happen without interfering, just to let them understand the situation and learn the valuable lessons themselves. These lessons will stay in their mind forever. I did support and guide them before and throughout the process to make sure they are fine.

2. Taught them not to be perfect or focus on perfection. If we focus on being perfect, we are always stressed and we cannot enjoy life but if we focus on enjoying life, everything else automatically becomes perfect and, after all, life is not a race to be the best at all the times. If my kids made mess in the kitchen I laughed at it. What is the use of getting angry and feeling tired and making them feel demoralised? Instead, clean up together, laugh at it, and begin again. Eventually, we did successfully make delicious dishes together. By doing this, they know that mistakes happen but we need to move on quickly and that there is always a second chance to do better. We can save a lot of mental energy to do the task later.

3. Let them take decisions. One of the most crucial skills in life is to learn to take good decisions. A decision changes our life forever but if we have not learnt to take good decisions from childhood we find it hard to make decision later in our lives. Allowing the kids to choose their profession, choose their school/college and friends are some of the important decisions that we have to let them make and allow them to face the consequences. First, we have to teach them how to make right decision and then let them do it independently. Of course, we have to support and guide them if they have made mistakes but letting them take their own decisions is most crucial. We have to start by letting them choose their own clothes, food, ice cream flavour etc. and let them see the result by comparing their choice and exploring the different options. Eventually, they do learn to evaluate their decisions and take proper decision. As a parent we also have to be prepared to face consequences if their decisions go wrong but in the long run their right decisions will make them independent.

4. I allowed them to have their own opinion about everything. Letting the child speak their mind makes them confident individual and it also makes them feel valued and respected. Unlike previous generations when kids have to do something ‘because I said so principle’, I let my kids have their own opinion. When they speak their mind, we can correct them if they are wrong or let them see the different side of the story but not letting them have their own opinion, we crush their self-confidence and in future they will simply follow whatever someone else believes and never understand what the reality is.

5. I shared my own weakness and mistakes. Children always think that parents are perfect and parents are natural role model for them. This creates difficult situation especially if parents have to be perfect at all the times, things gets complicated and stressful. Also, children think that parents can never make mistake so they expect everything to be perfect which is damaging to our relationship. By admitting our own mistake, I could lift the pressure to be perfect and allow them to learn from mistakes rather than feeling sad and guilty about it.

6. Taught basic life skills irrespective of gender. I taught my son how to cook right from the childhood. By teaching basic life skills, we ensure the child will not feel lost in the world when he/she leaves the house for further education or work. Some parents don’t let the children do any household chores and later worry about them when they leave home for higher education. By teaching them that the household chores are important and everyone needs to learn, we ensure they will be able to take care of themselves when we are not around.

7. Trusted them. Trust is very important when it comes to children. If we trust them, they hardly break it. It is difficult in today’s world but it is the only way we can live peacefully. Having trust in them that they can do better in their field, actually empowers them to trust themselves and they really do better. Also, having trust in them makes them more confident and independent later in life when they will face more challenging situations.

8. Taught independence. Independence is important for children to feel confident. A dependent child is helpless child. While it is very comforting when children run around us and we feel good when they want us to be with them at all the times but it is not practical. One day they will have to find their own identity and make mark in the world. Also, emotionally dependent child will find it hard to accommodate in the world. Independence is basic skill that we all need in order to feel confident and happy. So instilling it since childhood is not only important but crucial.

We all learn different things each day as parent and it is surprising how much more is still to learn. By keeping our mind open and exploring different options and ideas we can find parenting enjoyable and not stressful.

This post has been previously published in Huffington post.

Parenting Is a Superpower

Deep within we all want to do something significant in life. We want to live our life more meaningfully and want to change something and make a positive impact in the world. We look for ways to do so but seldomly we look into parenting as a means to do the same. We fail to see that parenting has a significant impact not only on our family but to society and to a greater extent, to the world. How we raise our children determines how society will be in the future. Unfortunately, while raising our children very few of us understand this and often we understand its significance when things go wrong or when we face challenges ourselves.

On top of that, most stay-at-home parents feel insignificant and unworthy most of the time. Many women who choose to be stay-at-home mothers face judgments and criticism; sometimes from other women, and that can trigger feelings of self-doubt and low confidence which makes them lonely and they start to doubt their significance. We need to realise that parenting is actually the superpower that we have been gifted if we learn the significance of it. It is a golden opportunity to make this world a better place. We all know that mental health is paramount in our lives, especially in the trying times like these and the need to address this issue from the root is all-time high. Most mental health issues are rooted in childhood and often people who had challenging households where they were exposed to traumas carry them throughout their adult lives. If only we learn to address the issue before it arises, we can make a significant impact not only in our families but also in the society.

If we learn to prioritise our own wellbeing and wellness and learn to take care of ourselves, we can manage our children well and teach them to do so.  A child is a blank canvas that can be painted with beautiful colours of life and if we allow the child to paint his/her own canvas with the beautiful colours of his choice then the life of the child will be extremely beautiful and the colours of his life will make the world a beautiful place and that can only be possible if the child gets proper environment at home and for that, every parent needs to prioritise parenting. Most of us are gifted with our children when we are very young or immature and do not know much about parenting. Our role models are mostly our own parents, siblings and friends and they may not be able to provide the insight or guidance for all the issues that may need resolution. This is because the issues and challenges are unique for each generation, each family and each situation.

If we make an effort to learn about parenting intentionally, understand our children and their needs, understand basic psychology of the children and their personality type, their behaviours and the reason behind certain uncomfortable behaviour, then we can support our children well and also address any issues that come during their childhood. We can then prevent the extensive damage that happens mostly during childhood or in adolescence and that can safeguard our children from becoming a victim of mental health problems or any other kind of harm.

If we understand the importance of being a better parent and learn to be more mindful and conscious through guidance, practices and learn about them in depth, we can make this world a better place to live where there are adults who will be able to function through their inner happiness and joy rather than pain and trauma and there will be peace and harmony and we all can contribute to the betterment of the society with simple act of being a mindful parent.

With solid foundation of a secure, happy and vibrant childhood, children will be able to have self-confidence, emotional intelligence and resilience to face the world with ease and make significant contribution to the society and live a happy and meaningful life themselves and empower future generations to do the same and hence the world can be a far better place to live. So next time, if you think being a parent is just another job or if you find yourself having low self-esteem if you are a stay-at-home parent, remember that you have the opportunity, power and capability to change the world by becoming a mindful conscious parent and you have the superpower so use it well not only for your family but also for the betterment of the society.