Let’s be honest, parenting is hard in today’s world. It was always hard but in recent times, with change in circumstances and scenarios, it has become even harder. Sometimes, we wish children came with some kind of instruction manual or guide but this is one subject where we have to keep updating ourselves on an ongoing basis and by the time we learn one aspect about parenting, new ones arise and the cycle goes on. They say, “it takes an entire village to raise a child” but the village is non-existing. As more and more parents are living in nuclear families, the pressure to raise the child is enormous. In recent times, pandemic and other issues have put additional pressures which have contributed to parental stress even more. In these circumstances we often make mistakes which we may not be even aware of. In today’s article, I would like to draw attention to those aspects which often go unnoticed and which may be adversely affecting our children. If we become more mindful, we can help deal with the situation better and avoid making such mistakes. Let’s explore what aspects we may be missing.
Putting children in too many classes/extracurricular activities.
We are all very busy and sometimes, we feel if the children are in after school classes, they may be entertained and we may also get some extra time to finish our chores or get some time for ourselves. That does sound like a perfect plan but it backfires when the child gets exhausted and throws more tantrums than ever or develops behavioural issues. It is also detrimental for their growth and development that we fail to see.
According to EducationWeek, “psychologists at the University of Colorado and the University of Denver studied the schedules of 70 six-year olds, and they found that the kids who spent more time in less-structured activities had more highly-developed self-directed executive function.”
Too many activities result in children feeling burnout as they don’t have any downtime and are overscheduled which leaves them no time for relaxation and rest which are essential for their overall growth, development and wellbeing. It also results in having less creativity and may hinder children’s executive functioning. Executive functioning is a set of mental skills such as; working memory, self-control, flexible thinking, organizing, planning, making decisions, ability to follow multiple-step directions, analyse information etc. These are essential tools for success and growth in adult life.
It is essential to be mindful about how we are scheduling our children and think about the possible outcomes and if it hinders their growth and may put them in difficult situations in future, then we have to decide wisely after considering every aspect.
Not correcting the children.
Many parents refrain from correcting their children as most of us have some kind of childhood memories of harsh punishment and may even have trauma of the same hence, many of us go to extreme end and avoid correcting the children altogether because we think that it will damage them but we fail to realise that by doing that, we may be damaging them even more. We have to learn to distinguish between discipline and punishment. While punishments are often ineffective and unnecessary, discipline, on the other hand, is highly effective and it teaches the children self-control, self-mastery and boundaries which are essential life skills for growth and success in all areas of life. They are also essential skills for meaningful social interactions and interpersonal relationships. No one likes to be around someone who has not learnt self-control and social skills hence it becomes important to teach the children about instilling right behaviour and also about negative consequences of bad behaviour and poor self-control. Discipline also keeps the children safe, prevents them from risky behaviour.
Leaving children in care of people who they don’t like or trust.
Parents are incredibly busy and most of us need additional help with childcare and sometimes we need to leave our children in other people’s care for a short or longer period of time. In such cases, it is important to leave the child to the people who they like and trust rather than leaving them with someone that the parents know but children don’t. This creates feelings of abandonment in children and they are more likely to misbehave as they feel anger and resentment towards their parents, especially if the parents are leaving them more often. It is important to first inform the child about the arrangements and ask if it is okay with them or not. By doing that, you are ensuring the child feels safe and is happy because the child feels empowered due the choices offered and also due to the involvement in the decision making. Hence, the child will learn to take responsibility as well. It is essential to choose the caregiver carefully ensuring that all the criteria of safety measures are in place.
Not connecting and supporting the child.
Parents are so busy nowadays that most parents are not able to connect with the child as much as they would want. This results in children feeling lonely, isolated and not understood. Due to the disconnect, most parents are unable to understand the child and child’s requirements. Many children don’t share important information with their parents and this leads to situations where parents are clueless about what is going on in their children’s mind and life and many things come as a shock when things go out of control. To prevent such situations, if we learn to connect with our children on a regular basis and make an effort to do so then we can not only prevent our children from facing severe adverse situations but also support them in their life journey. Many adult children often face difficult situations in their life where they struggle severely and are in dire need but parents are either clueless or think that it will interfere with the child’s independence and withdraw from helping the adult children. This can be very subjective for everyone. However, we all need help from time to time and irrespective of age, as a family and as a society we need each other to survive and thrive and helping our family members is our responsibility. Many adult children face mental health issues and suffer from anxiety, depression or other mental health challenges and support from family can prevent them from going in a downward spiral and help them bounce back quickly.
These are a few mistakes that we as parents are making unknowingly and are affecting our children severely. If we become more aware, we can help our family not just survive but thrive, live life to the full potential and enjoy the journey of life and enable our society to become more powerful and stable.
Parul Rana 